Motherly

What it means when your toddler refuses to potty train, according to a pediatric urologist

Steve Hodges, M.D. — Sun, 18 Dec 2022 12:00:00 +0000

As a pediatric urologist, I hear a lot about “potty refusal” from frustrated parents.

“My 5-year-old refuses to poop on the toilet!!!” one mom emailed me.

Another wrote, “My daughter is a nightmare to potty train. She flat-out refuses to go to the bathroom when she clearly needs to. Then she has an accident.”

The terms “toilet refusal” and “toileting refusal syndrome” even surface in medical literature.

“Refusal” implies stubborn, willful, unreasonable behavior. But let me offer a more evidence-based explanation: Children who resist using the toilet are either not developmentally ready for toilet training or are chronically constipated. In the second instance, the child’s rectum has become stretched by a pile-up of stool and has lost the tone and sensation needed for complete evacuation.

These kids aren’t exhibiting defiance. They’re just not getting the signal! And they need treatment. No amount of cajoling or incentivizing will change this fact. A stretched rectum won’t respond to promises of M&Ms or screen time or to behavioral therapy.

When potty refusal usually happens

With many kids, potty refusal strikes around age 2, when they start toilet training ahead of their preschool’s deadline. Parents seek to get a jump on training, lest the child lose their spot in school.

I totally get it, given how rigidly preschools enforce their potty policies. Problem is, most 2-year-olds are too immature to toilet train. Sure, toddlers and even babies can be taught to pee and poop on the toilet. But don’t be fooled: That’s entirely different from possessing the judgment to heed your body’s signals in a timely manner, not 2 hours or 2 days later.

Many kids who train early develop the holding habit. Gradually, poop piles up in the rectum, an organ not designed for storage. The stool mass dries out and hardens, so pooping hurts. A lot. So, kids further delay pooping, more stool piles up, and the rectum stretches further, compromising its tone and sensation mechanism.

In other words, the child literally cannot squeeze out a complete bowel movement or even feel the urge to poop.

But what adults perceive is a lack of cooperation: “refusal.”

In some kids, the enlarged rectum presses against and aggravates the nearby bladder nerves. The bladder contracts and empties without warning. So, now the child appears to be “refusing” to pee in the potty, too.

Chronic constipation could be the root cause of why a toddler refuses to potty train

My research has found that children potty trained before age 2 have triple the risk of developing chronic constipation and daytime pee accidents than children trained between 2 and 3. This doesn’t mean 2 1/2-year-olds are in the clear, but the odds are especially high for kids under 2.

Chronic constipation not only leads to enuresis (daytime pee accidents and bedwetting) but also encopresis (poop accidents). In some kids, the rectum becomes so floppy that stool just drops out of the desensitized rectum, without the child noticing. If preschools eliminated potty-training deadlines, many cases of “potty refusal” could be avoided. But early toilet training is just one cause of chronic constipation. Kids become constipated for many reasons—genetics, modern toilets (which take us out of the natural squat position), fear of pooping outside the home—and these children get called “refusers,” too.

How is chronic constipation treated?

While I advocate a laissez-faire approach to toilet training, I recommend a proactive approach to treating constipation and helping the child overcome the habit of delaying poop. A combination of laxatives (to soften poop) and enemas (to clean out the rectum) is typically needed. The regimen I recommend, the Modified O’Regan Protocol, aka M.O.P., is spelled out in the M.O.P. Anthology.

But most kids don’t get the treatment they need because they’ve been labeled “strong-willed” or “refusers.” Schools typically refer these kids for behavioral counseling or advise parents to “say nothing,” on the theory that kids will start cooperating if they aren’t badgered.

But kids with “toileting refusal” don’t need help cooperating; they need help pooping!

Left untreated or under-treated, chronic constipation often worsens. I have a huge caseload of teenage patients with enuresis and/or encopresis. In most cases, the red flags were apparent by age 3. But the parents were told, “This too shall pass.”

Several studies connect potty “refusal” with constipation. By and large, these studies were conducted by psychiatrists and behavioral specialists, not by GI doctors or urologists, and important conclusions were overlooked.

For example, in a study that tracked nearly 400 children, over 24% developed “stool toileting refusal (STR).” Among this group, 93% of the kids showed signs of constipation—such as hard bowel movements and painful pooping—before the onset of STR. (Italics are mine.)

In other words, these kids started toilet training with a condition that makes toilet training impossible! Yet they were labeled “refusers.”

Let’s retire the term “potty refusal,” recognize the underlying constipation, and get these kids the treatment they need.

For my autistic child, these are the non-traditional milestones we measure

Jane Kim — Thu, 06 Oct 2022 15:47:43 +0000

When my son, T, was much younger, I chased milestones. It was sweaty and frustrating—and they didn’t come easily. Yep, those developmental milestones that tell us, as parents, when our child should roll over, sit up, stand up, walk and talk. No one told me that hitting milestones is generally an organic process, and as a first-time mom, I didn’t know any better.

There’s a wide range of typical, and my son would often just make the cut. At six months, he would sit up, but it was shaky. At around 15 to 16 months, he had some words, but I could count them on one hand. Shared communication and self-feeding were incredibly challenging, and I wasn’t surprised when he received an Autism Spectrum Diagnosis at three years old. I was exhausted and scared. I knew nothing about parenting a child with autism.

Regrettably, I set random deadlines for when T (and me) should achieve certain goals. By six, he would be able to write all his letters legibly. By eight, he would no longer have an IEP. When the goals weren’t met, I blamed myself, pushed T harder and wallowed in self-pity. If I had the chance, I would gently tell my younger self this: You can’t force milestones. Focus on growth and your relationship and the rest will fall into place.

I still have goals for T, but they are not tied to deadlines like they once were. He’s on his timeline, and I’ve learned to respect it because he continues to surprise me. Mothering and watching T become a delightful young boy, I’ve learned to be kinder to myself and revel in a different set of milestones. As a parent of a child with a disability, these milestones tell me that T and I are doing OK.

7 milestones that matter to me in parenting a child with autism

1. Communicating his needs and wants

Like saying, “I’m hungry” or “I’m freezing!” As a toddler, T was quiet. I didn’t witness the terrible twos and threes. I’d ask questions and make a lot of observations to better understand his needs and wants. When he first began voicing his needs, it was a celebratory moment. It told me others didn’t have to guess, or even worse, assume what he needed and wanted.

2. Showing curiosity

Like asking, “What does that mean?” Not surprisingly, we have some of our best conversations in the car. T also loves music, and we listen to all types. Songs provide a rich variety of language: poetic, figurative, slang, etc. We were listening to Maren Morris’ “My Church” where she describes driving on an open road and listening to music as her form of “church.” T wanted to know what she meant. And Will Smith’s “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It”—try to explain that one to a ten-year-old. A curiosity for learning and the ability to pick up nuances in language is important and are joys for a mother to witness.

3. Showing that he missed me

Like calling me when he’s on vacation with his Dad. It’s always nice to be missed! Every year, he goes to Vermont with his Dad and he’s never called me. This year, he called several times to check-in and see what I was doing. No obligations or reminders. Just love.

4. Being attentive

Like telling me the traffic light’s green or telling me to stop looking at my phone. Being in the car has always put T at ease. He enjoys road trips, any type of emergency and construction vehicles and watching the passing scenery. As I responded to a text at a red light, he piped up that the light was green—and that I shouldn’t be texting and driving. At that moment, I knew he understood the rules of the road and that drivers should concentrate on driving, first and foremost.

5. Voicing his preferences

Like asserting that he wants to be included. I was talking with my partner about hiking parts of the Appalachian Trail this fall. We discussed renting a cabin could be a cool experience. Although I thought he wasn’t listening, T emphatically announced he wanted to be included. As a young kid, he didn’t often voice his preferences and mostly went along with whatever we were doing. This told me he didn’t want to be left out, and he enjoyed being a part of the group when activities were of interest to him.

6. Showing independency

Like riding his bike around the block by himself. As a younger child, I needed to be within eyesight or he would get anxious and look for me. These days, when we’re home, he still prefers that I’m somewhat nearby, but has progressed to feeling comfortable if I’m within earshot. After some discussion and assurances to remain outside, he rode his bike solo around the neighborhood. That bike ride was a milestone on his journey to increased independence for many reasons: following the rules of the road, navigating any chance encounters with neighbors and returning home within a certain timeframe.

7. Sticking up for me

Like saying, “Don’t talk about my mom that way!” I get all the feels whenever I think of this. T was swimming at a recent get-together. A family member was telling a funny story from the past and said dramatically, “I was so mad at Jane…” That was all T needed to hear. He swam up to the person, splashed them and then yelled at him to stop talking about me that way. His show of loyalty to me (albeit misguided) was his way of sticking up for me when I wasn’t there to defend myself.

Parenting a child with autism is no easy feat, and for a while, the fear of T not achieving certain goals within a specific timeline had me under immeasurable pressure. But now, for me, all these milestones are reasons to celebrate. Cue the happy tears.

I’m tired of feeling pressured to have my child meet milestones

Mariah Maddox — Thu, 14 Jul 2022 18:13:22 +0000

Recently, The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) revised the developmental baby milestones in order to better reflect the majority. The revisions got me thinking about the overwhelming pressure on mothers (and parents as a whole) to have their children meet child milestones. From the time a child is born, we’re bombarded with checklists about baby milestones and the stages of development that are considered standard for them.

The pressure begins—and before we know it, we’re hovering over our child with a long checklist and a pen.

Lifting head up by two months.

Rolling over by six months.

Crawling by nine months.

Walking by twelve months.

I find myself keeping tabs on his developmental behavior, on a constant verge of worry and what ifs.

Sometimes, well most times for me, mom guilt and self-blame creep in. Because I start to think that if I were doing more or if I had more time on my hands, I could teach my child everything that he needs to learn and succeed.

And not to mention the added pressure from family, friends, social media, apps, baby books and so on. I often felt like I should be the one to face criticism because, after all, I’m his mother and it’s up to me to teach and show him the way.

But I can only do so much before I stretch myself thin—which is why they say it takes a village to raise a child. Because moms and parents can’t do it all. We have babysitters, family members, daycares, schools and community centers that we also trust to teach our children when we’re not around. Reaching milestones is important, but child milestones are also a guide—not a one-and-done way for how it should be.

But the pressure that falls on us to meet those baby milestones still exists and can be overbearing at times—and quite frankly, I’m tired of it.

Related: Your guide to baby milestones

Because of this internal and external pressure, I find myself comparing my baby to other kids—wondering why he barely repeats words back to me (even though he can say them) or wondering why he shows disinterest in some activities that other kids his age seem to enjoy.

My son isn’t behind in any obvious way that I know of right now—he was even walking by 9 months, which many people seemed surprised by. But the pressure to have him do more still exists. And the lingering baby milestones checklist makes its way to the forefront of my mind.

I find myself keeping tabs on his developmental behavior, on a constant verge of worry and what ifs.

What if he’s behind? What if there’s a problem? What if I’m not doing enough to foster his development and build his skillset?

But the truth is, my child is going at his own pace. He is an intelligent boy in his own capacity. And I’m proud of every milestone that he meets—before time, on time or even after the expected time.

Because there is so much magic in being present and observing what your child is doing in the here and now.

I certainly know that sometimes, a delay in development is in fact a cause for concern. As a mother, I have learned to trust my instincts and, if there is a genuine concern, I know that I can seek medical or expert advice so as to not delay any possible diagnosis.

But right now, I’m not going to spend my son’s childhood measuring his success by how many baby milestones he accomplishes early or on time. Right now, I’m going to foster his development the best way that I can—and his accomplishing of those child milestones will fall into place as they should.

Every child is different. Every child is raised in different environments and has different upbringings and circumstances—so each child develops at different rates. Their own rate. Just because a child the same age as my baby may seem more advanced, that doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with my kid.

I have learned to stop worrying so much about what my baby isn’t doing and start paying attention to what he is doing. He’s not perfect, and it’s unfair to try to pin my expectations (or even society’s expectations) on him from adolescence. Because doing so could be a harmful way to raise him—having him always feel the need to meet the next milestone rather than treasuring the moment that he’s currently in.

I want to be a companion on this learning journey with him. I want to be his biggest cheerleader. I don’t want to judge him, compare him to others or doubt his abilities. I want to feel confident in the steps that he takes—and I want him to feel confident, too.

The incessant pressure to achieve is always there, but I’m learning how to turn down the volume and block out the overwhelm. Because there is so much magic in being present and observing what your child is doing in the here and now. And right now, that’s where I want to be. Present. Cheering him on. And believing in him.

I’m the mom who cried after dropping my kid off for their first day of kindergarten

Hannah Lacy — Thu, 07 Jul 2022 17:40:47 +0000

I’m the mom who cried after dropping my kid off for their first day of kindergarten. It was a milestone moment for us both. An unprecedented situation; eight hours a day, five days a week away from each other. We had five years to prepare for this, right? For some reason, it felt more like I was sending my son off to college than his first year of elementary school.

There were the school walkthroughs and applications for out-of-district students if you decided to go to a school other than the one you were zoned for. There were waiting for acceptance letters, welcome packets and parent/teacher/student orientations. Then there were the kindergarten school supply lists.

I watched him excitedly picking out Pokémon backpacks, lunch bags and water bottles (it used to be dinosaurs). He was ready for big adventures without me, but I was not. How would he do without me all day? How would I do without him?

One of my best mom friends says her job every day is to “put herself out of a job.” I’ve always had to let that sink in for a moment. My children need me in so many different ways in this season. But my job as their mom is to make sure they need me a little less each day and in different ways than the day before.

I’ll always be here to help them no matter how old they are. But their needs change with each season. The snacks, the tying of little shoelaces and the brushing of teeth all change before you are ready for it to. Before I was ready for it to happen, the first day of kindergarten came.

I now know I’ll get to show up for my son in new ways, as questions come up about something a teacher or fellow classmate said at school that day. As he has field days, field trips, class parties and 100 days of school projects.

He still needs me, just in different ways. His world has grown and will continue to grow, but I will always be his place to land.

One of my favorite moments each day now is dinner time. My husband and I ask our eldest son about his day and he tells us about circle time, morning work, the exact names of the games he played in P.E. and (my personal favorite) a very detailed description of what he had for lunch.

His class awards this year were “best reader, best dancer and best helper.” He also made the honor roll. While I’m proud of his hard work, I’m the proudest of the kind, caring and curious person that he is.

While we’ve had hard days, like days that other kids were mean or days that he was disappointed about losing a game or struggled with math or a test, I now know that no matter how big his world grows, it started with me. His world started with me and his dad and then his brother. His world used to be the walls of our home. And now it has grown to include a teacher, classmates, a classroom, cafeteria, playground, library and gym.

This is a bittersweet part of parenting. In the early days, weeks and months of parenting, you are their whole world. And the bigger they get, their world grows beyond just you—as it should.

Yes, I’m the mom who cried at kindergarten drop-off. As I watched my heart walking outside of my body down the school halls with his backpack to class, I counted down the hours till pickup. That first day, eight hours felt like an eternity. My whole body exhaled when he came home smiling.

He was ready for this. I helped him to be ready for this. And together, we’ll both face all the milestones and unprecedented situations and the “first day of _____” that comes next.

10 sweet Tooth Fairy boxes to celebrate the big kid milestone

Sara Goldstein — Wed, 19 Jan 2022 22:00:50 +0000

I can’t be the only parent who was not emotionally prepared for my child to start losing teeth. Of course I knew it would happen but no one told me I’d cry about it. (Or that I’d find old baby teeth in random places like my purse, bedside table and the kitchen windowsill for years–with and without explanation. But that’s another story.)

But when you’re a kid there’s nothing more thrilling than losing your first tooth! It’s an important milestone that firmly puts them in the big kid column but more importantly, it means the Tooth Fairy is on the way. One sweet way to get prepped for the arrival is with a Tooth Fairy box. Of course there are plenty of ways to DIY (mini Altoid tins are awesome for this!) but there are tons of adorable options if you’d rather buy something special. From handmade wooden Tooth Fairy boxes that can be personalized to superhero Tooth Fairy pillows, there’s a design they’re sure to love.

And pro tip: Though you may be tempted to go big for their first tooth and do something rash like slip a $20 under there, I’m telling you, it only leads to disappointment. Establish a low bar and thank me later. I mean they’ve got about 20 in there that are going to fall out eventually. Do the math and do yourself a favor.

FlowertownWeddings

• $15

Personalized Wooden Tooth Fairy Box

This popular style can be engraved with any name and makes a sweet keepsake for years to come.

SHOP

CreationsNath

• $11.68

Handpainted Tooth Fairy Box

With their hand painted faces, these little boxes are doubly special! They’re available in a range of styles from pirates to unicorns and you can choose the background color as well.

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Little Doll Closet

• $20

Superhero Tooth Fairy Pillow

With its cape and gap-toothed smile, this adorable pal is on the job! The little tooth bag can be embroidered with their name and you can choose from a variety of colors.

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AmpersandPrep

• $12.50

Tooth Fairy Dish

If you’d rather not risk waking a light sleeper by rooting around under their pillow, try this cute little dish instead! Not only can you personalize it with their name, but there’s a variety of tooth colors to choose from as well.

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Chronicle Books

• $16.95

Tooth Fairy Box

Use the accompanying notepad and envelopes to jot a note to the Tooth Fairy before tucking their tooth inside!

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Bella Luna Toys

• $15

Wooden Tooth Fairy Keepsake Box

These extra special boxes are handmade in Maine and come with a soft bed of dyed wool inside to keep precious cargo safe. Choose from pink (with a sweet fairy atop a toadstool), blue (with a squirrel and flute-playing forest sprite) and green (with a sprite sitting with a bird on a toadstool).

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4M

• $16.99

Make Your Own Tooth Fairy Box

This DIY kit comes with everything you need to make four plaster keepsake boxes. Let them get creative or keep it for yourself to whip up a special handmade surprise.

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Maileg

• $34

Tooth Fairy Mouse in a Box

This irresistible little set from Maileg is the sweetest way to celebrate their first lost tooth! The adorable little fairy mouse comes with her own wand and a tiny gold tooth tin all tucked into her own wooden box.

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Snugahug

• $17.09

Tooth Fairy Door Hanger

Make sure she knows where to stop with these clever door hangers! The pocket on the front is perfectly sized to hold their tooth and they come in a variety of colors and can be personalized with your child’s name.

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KnockOnWoodSD

• $17.99

Personalized Tooth Fairy Box

How cute are these tooth-shaped wooden boxes? Opt to inscribe the front with a poem or their name and add their name to the inside as well.

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5 lies about potty training I wish I never listened to

Deena Campbell — Sun, 17 Oct 2021 22:52:07 +0000

So you think you’re ready to start potty training your toddler? Congrats! Potty training is a huge step in child development. I remember when my husband and I decided to potty train. It was indeed a roller coaster ride, but looking back it was an educational experience for me too. I learned a lot about trusting my son to know his body, and to not listen to lies and potty training myths.

My biggest lesson: don’t pressure them. In fact, don’t even bring potty training up. Dr. Laura Markham suggests, “Wait till you have some time when you can be relaxed and attentive to your child,” she says. “Many preschools demand that children are toilet trained. That kind of pressure can only be bad for you and your child.”

I had no idea what I was getting into when I started potty training, but I learned a lot during the process.

For moms who want to master potty training, here are 5 lies I believed:

1. That two is the perfect age to start

I have a friend with an 11-month-old boy and he goes to the potty better than my 4-year-old. It’s truly insane how quickly some kids pick up on it, while others take a much longer time to master it. Wherever your child falls on the potty training spectrum, it’s OK. you might start to feel like your little one is lagging behind if they are nearing 3 years old and aren’t remotely interested in going to the bathroom. But relax—everyone learns at their own pace. There isn’t a magic number for potty training and it’s important to remember that they will get it when they are ready. Not you.

Also, always remember that pressuring your toddler to go to the potty is never a good idea. It will backfire and make them hesitant and even afraid to go to the potty on their own.

2. That my life on-the-go will be easier

When my son was 18 months old, I couldn’t go anywhere without diapers and wipes in tow (by the way, I’m a huge fan of Happy Little Camper diapers). It slowly became annoying to always have a diaper bag within arm’s reach, and I thought for sure once he was potty trained I’d be able to wear cute tiny bags again. Yes, that was true. I returned to rocking my favorite small handbags, but I’m still a slave to having his snacks and water with me. Add in his favorite toys and an occasional tablet and I’m left wishing I had my big bag again. While I’m no longer thinking about diapers, those thoughts have been replaced with other items he needs, and that hasn’t made my life much easier.

3. That potty training (or lack thereof) was a reflection of my parenting

For some reason, moms think the successes and failures of their children are a direct reflection of how they parent. This holds true in a few instances, but not when it comes to potty training. Again, children will learn to go to the potty when they want to, not when we want them to. And, even when they regress and bedwetting becomes an issue, that doesn’t mean you aren’t an awesome mom.

4. That putting underwear on my kid will encourage them to go to the potty

Ha! I wish this were true. When I placed underwear on my son he was bewildered. It was as if he was saying, “mom, what is this soft garment hugging my butt?” He loved the “Sesame Street” characters and was excited to wear them all the time, but that’s where it began and ended for him. Wearing “big boy pants” didn’t make him want to go to the potty anymore than wearing diapers or pull-ups. Lesson learned: only place them in underwear if they are truly ready. If not, you’re creating more of a mess for yourself.

5. That once they got it, it was over. My job was done

This was by far the biggest potty training myth. I thought for sure once he nailed potty training, I would never have to revisit it. There wouldn’t be any regressing and he was completely good. This was such a lie. Not only did he regress for a small period, but teaching him to not wet the bed was a different beast to tackle. If I’m being honest, he still has a few accidents at night, and I’ve learned that that’s okay.

A version of this post was published October 17, 2021. It has been updated.

After-school restraint collapse is real—this is why your child gets angry with you

Heather Marcoux — Tue, 07 Sep 2021 00:00:00 +0000

We know that after-school restraint collapse is a real thing. After a long day of school, it can be hard for kids to hold it together. They may melt down or have an emotional outburst, and sometimes—especially with very young children who attend daycare or preschool—there’s one particular emotion they’re blasting at mom and dad: Anger.

Sometimes, the child who was happy (and happy to see us) when we fetched them from their classroom can seem downright mad at us by the time we’ve made it home.

For mamas who have been missing their little one all day, being pushed away can sting a bit, but according to Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R.Psych., this especially frustrating and personal form of after-school restraint collapse is totally normal and actually a sign that your child really does love you a lot.

“I call it defensive detachment,” Lapointe, the author of Discipline without Damage: How to Get Your Kids to Behave Without Messing Them Up, tells Motherly.

“It’s a subconscious thing. They don’t even know they’re doing it but it’s very real,” says Dr. Lapointe.

Any parent who has been through it knows how real it feels. As Lapointe explains, it can be trying.

“They defensively detach from you by being angry at you, and shoving you away, and may call you names,” she says, adding that while it’s often loud, intense, and inconvenient, parents should try looking at these displays of defensive detachment as a gift. Our children don’t have the words to tell us what they’re thinking and feeling, but this behavior can help us figure out what they need.

According to Lapointe, parents might want to think about how they feel after temporarily losing sight of their child in a public space, like a grocery store. When a parent is reunited with their child after a separation they were not in control of, they often hug them, kiss them, hold them, but then, that relief can turn into frustration and anger.

When your child is having defensive detachment meltdowns after daycare or school, that’s how they’re feeling: Relieved to see you, but frustrated at having been separated and over their lack of control. Lapointe says asking a child to suppress those feelings is as pointless as trying to hold a beach ball underwater: “It’s going to come back up.”

Instead of suppressing a display of defensive detachment, Lapointe recommends ways parents can soften the intensity of the separation, and give kids room to be loud and intense when they need to be.

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Fill up their emotional cup before the separation

Lapointe’s advice to parents dealing with meltdowns in the afternoon or evening is to start your defense against defensive detachment meltdowns in the morning.

“Try and set your alarm, for maybe 15 minutes earlier every day, so that you have a bit of time to actually connect with your child and really fill up their connection cup before you send them out the door to school,” she explains.

Spending this extra time together in the morning can help ease the child into the separation of the school day while feeling more strongly attached to their parent.

Let them know you are connected even when you are not together

Lapointe often recommends the children’s book The Kissing Hand (about a young raccoon leaving his mother to start school in the forest) and The Invisible String (about a mother who tells her children they are connected by an invisible string) to parents whose children are having a hard time with separations.

“They’re both stories about how, even when we’re not together, parent and child, we’re still together through our hearts, and that you can never break that connection,” says Lapointe, who recommends parents incorporate some of the lessons from these popular books into their morning routines and rituals.

A child may feel more connected if they have their own “kissing hand” or “invisible string” at school with them.

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Send a piece of you with them to school

An invisible string is great, but sometimes kids need something even more tangible to remind them of mom and dad, says Lapointe, who recommends simple notes in the lunch bag, or a small picture of the family that the child can carry with them.

“I had one little boy whose parents laminated a photo of them loving on him, and then they attached it to a lanyard spritzed with his Daddy’s cologne and he wore it under his shirt,” Lapointe recalls. “When he needed to he could just peek under his shirt at the picture, and that’s how he held them close.”

Lapointe and her son had their own similar ritual with heart-shaped keychains. “And I carried the little kid heart around with me, and my son carried the mama heart around with him to school and in his backpack,” she explains.

Let them let it out

Sometimes, all the quality time in the morning and all the loving reminders from home can’t totally prevent a child’s day away from you from being hard. If you sense a defensive detachment meltdown is coming on after pick up, Lapointe says it’s best to take control of it by inviting it.

“You step in front of the meltdown by saying things like, ‘You’re having a really hard go today, Bud. I get that. And if you’ve got some shouts in you, now’s the time to let em’ out.’ And so you kind of just will it into existence, so much so that your child actually, on a subconscious level, believes that you’re in control of the meltdown.”

According to Lapointe, a child who is on the edge of losing control themselves is relieved when they realize someone else is in control. By taking a proactive approach and literally asking for the meltdown to happen, parents can speak to their children while their child can still understand them. If we wait until they’re freaking out to take control, we can’t, says Lapointe.

“You can’t be in charge of a child, or be in control of a child, who is no longer in control of themselves,” she explains, adding that once they’ve lost control and are operating strictly from the emotional part of their brain, “they’re not able to think or problem-solve. If we’re gonna say things to them like, ‘remember to use your words,’ we just sound like foreign aliens, that doesn’t make any sense in that moment.”

So before your child loses the ability to hear you, let them know that you hear them. You hear that they need to release their emotions in a loud, intense and inconvenient way, and you’re okay with it. Pull the car over or clear a space in the living room and just let those loud, flailing emotions come out.

“There would be no shaming, no blaming, no consequences, no punishing of any kind,” Lapointe explains.

Remember that your baby really does love you, mama

Taking a page out of Lapointe’s parenting playbook can reduce the impact of defensive detachment meltdowns after school, but when your child lashes out at you, it still hurts.

If you’re dealing with defensive detachment meltdowns right now, remember that even if your child isn’t showing it, they do love you, mama. More than they can say.

A version of this story was originally published on August 26, 2019. It has been updated.

Your guide to age-appropriate responsibilities for toddlers to teens

Dr. Laura Markham — Tue, 07 Sep 2021 00:00:00 +0000

Kids need opportunities to contribute to the common good. They need this for their self-esteem and for their lives to have meaning.

Children don’t want just to be doted on. They need, like the rest of us, to feel like they matter to the world—like their lives make a positive contribution.

All children contribute in some way—find those ways in your child and comment on them, even if it is just noticing when she is kind to her little brother or that you enjoy how she’s always singing. Whatever behaviors you acknowledge will grow. As your children get older, their contributions and chores should increase appropriately, both within and outside the household.

Kids need to grow into two kinds of responsibilities: their own self-care, and contributing to the family welfare.

Research indicates that kids who help around the house are also more likely to offer help in other situations than kids who simply participate in their own self-care.

But you can’t expect your child to develop a helpful attitude overnight. It helps to steadily increase responsibility in age-appropriate ways.

Invite toddlers to put napkins on the table, ask three-year-olds to set places. Four-year-olds can match socks, and five-year-olds can help you groom the dog. Six-year-olds are ready to clear the table, seven-year-olds to water plants, and eight-year-olds to fold laundry.

Studies show that people who take responsibility in any given situation are people who see themselves as willing to be different and stand out. That’s the kind of kid you want to raise.

Age-appropriate chores and responsibilities

So, what’s age-appropriate? The list below will give you a frame of reference, but you’ll need to adapt it to your own child and your family circumstances.

Remember to slowly build the degree of freedom and responsibility you offer your child, giving them as much help as they need to handle each level until they master it comfortably.

(Note: Each section covers a number of years; children of the lowest ages of that range are just beginning to handle the listed items.)

Age-appropriate chores and responsibilities for toddlers

Let toddlers be responsible for their own bodies, within the limits of safety and decency.
Cleaning up their own messes. “That’s ok. Get the paper towels off the counter and let’s clean up that milk. We always clean up our own messes”
What to wear, within the limits of appropriate season, safety, and decency
Amount of food to eat—you provide the selection, they decide how much
Getting food into their mouths, unless they ask for your help
What book to read, even if you’re reading to them
What toys to play with
What toys to share, with the others getting put away before friends arrive
When to use the potty—you can ask, “Do you need to use the potty before we leave the house?” but they need to check in with their own body and get to know its signals, unless you want to be in charge of their toileting for years to come.

Age-appropriate chores and responsibilities for preschoolers (ages 3 to 5)

All of the above, plus:

Their own clothes—they choose them, within your parameters, and maintain them by keeping them in reasonably neat piles by category
Their own rooms, within reasonable neatness parameters—they decide what they want on the walls, within reasonable limits. (Parents will need to help them organize their stuff and work with them to clean up.)
How much to eat
What to eat, within appropriate nutritional guidelines—this only works if you limit accessibility of junk food. (It does mean you have to decide what to do when they don’t like what you’ve fixed for dinner. In our house, they can get a yogurt if they want.)
Who to play with and when
Whether to attend social events to which she is invited, excluding mandatory family events
Who is allowed in their room

Age-appropriate chores and responsibilities for school-aged children (ages 6 to 9)

All of the above, plus:

How to wear their hair, within appropriate grooming standards
Clearing their place from the table
Simple chores around the house
How to spend their allowance
Completing their homework
Getting their school backpack ready the night before
How to spend their time, after basic responsibilities like homework are accomplished
Whether to play an instrument or take a class
What sport or physical activity to engage in. (Given the research on this, physical activity in our house is non-negotiable, but they get to choose the type.)
Fixing simple food for themselves for snacks and lunch
Helping make the family contributions for the class bake sale and other events

Age-appropriate chores and responsibilities for preteens + ‘tweens (ages 10 to 12)

All of the above, plus:

Packing their school lunch
Self-grooming: nails, hair, etc.
Walking with a friend from one point to another within the neighborhood as long as a parent always knows where they are. (This is the first reason that a child needs a cell phone.)
Staying alone in the house, with certain rules about who can be with them

Age-appropriate chores and responsibilities for early adolescents (ages 13 to 15)

All of the above, plus:

Getting themselves up in the morning, though you may need to be the backup plan
Doing their own laundry, eliminating you from feeling like the maid when they suddenly need a certain item
Temporary changes in appearance—permanent tattoos are out in my family till they’re eighteen, but temporary ones are their choice. (Piercings are discussed on an as-requested basis, and are discouraged because of the risk of infection and permanent scarring.)
Riding the bus and subway
Going to movies with friends
Earning spending money by babysitting or other jobs
Budgeting their own spending

These lists focus on your child’s span of control, rather than on tasks you want them to do.

There’s a reason for that.

When you focus on a list of tasks your child “should” do, you end up creating power struggles. “By now you should be able to clean up your own toys!”

If instead, you focus on helping your child take charge of his life, and support him as necessary to learn each new skill, your child wants to step into each new responsibility. Instead of “holding him responsible,” he becomes motivated to take responsibility for himself. It’s a subtle shift, but it makes all the difference in the world.

[A version of this story was originally published October 2017. It has been updated]

Mama’s little helper:How to promote helping behavior in your toddler

Dr. Holly Ruhl — Thu, 02 Sep 2021 04:00:00 +0000

As a child psychologist, I could tell you all about the positive outcomes of your child’s prosocial behaviors. (More on that here.) It’s true: When children learn to help others, they gain valuable interpersonal and perspective-taking skills that will benefit them throughout their lives.

But as a mama, I can tell you that it just makes life easier to have a tiny (and adorable) personal assistant lending a hand around the house. So how can we promote helping behaviors in our little ones? It’s all in the timing!

A 2015 study from the University of California examined children’s helping behaviors from 11 to 24 months and found that most tots begin helping others around their first birthday. What’s more? How parents choose to encourage helping behaviors (and when) is directly related to children’s decisions to help out.

The study, published in the journal Child Development, found that encouraging, praising, and thanking children for their help around the first year (13-15 months) was related to more helping behaviors around the second year (19-24 months). Interestingly, praising and thanking children for their help at 19 months was related to less helping behavior at 24 months.

Positive responses to children’s help seem to promote more helping behaviors when our little ones are first learning these skills. But as our tots become more proficient at helping, reinforcement may not be needed as much and may undermine intrinsic desires to help.

Of course, if you are asking for help with something that your older child has no interest in, it probably doesn’t hurt to acknowledge their efforts. (Who wouldn’t appreciate a pat on the back for folding that daily mountain of laundry?)

What are some different ways that little ones can help out around the home?

Sweeping floors
Putting clothes in the washer
Setting on the table
Putting toys away
Participating in getting dressed
Fetching needed items

At the end of the day, the best way to foster helping behaviors is to promote intrinsic motivation to help. In order to encourage a genuine desire to help, let’s take a minute to explore the mind of the toddler (scary, I know)…

Why exactly do toddlers want to help?

According to the UC study, a few things may motivate our little ones.

They enjoy helping because they get to be involved with you, mama.
They love the feeling of accomplishing an assigned task (just like adults do).
They enjoy mastering new motor skills (almost as much as we enjoy them mastering the art of sweeping).
They like imitating our actions, so joining in on chores allows them to engage in the highest form of flattery.

When they get a bit older, they enjoy correcting wrongs. If the TV remote is in the wrong spot, just watch your tot remedy this dire situation. By the time they are 2, they have an intrinsic desire to see people receive the help that they need… and what could be sweeter than that?

A version of this post was originally published April 4, 2016. It has been updated.

I miss you already, my baby—even though you’re right here

Ashley Ernstberger — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 00:00:00 +0000

I sifted through your “important things” bin today. Stashed under my bed, I have been tossing artwork and birthday cards and trinkets in there for years. I found your hospital bracelet from the day you were born.

I placed it in my palm and circled it back together… held it in the place where the nurse snipped it off and released you to me—in a way, for forever, but also for only a short time.

I miss you already.

It seems funny to say that when you’re sitting right in front of me. But it wasn’t so long ago that you couldn’t sit at all. You learned how to do that, and then you learned how to do everything—to crawl and walk and run and jump. And sing and dance and climb.

You used to need me so much. You’d cry in the middle of the night, and even though I’d groan (and sometimes say a bad word under my breath), I sincerely cherished the times I was the one who fed you, who held you, who calmed you. It felt like an eternity before you slept through the night, but when I think back, it seems like only a brief moment in my life. Time is a funny thing.

I miss you already.

How can I miss you? You’re not gone. Oh, but it’s coming. I know it. I feel it. Right around the corner are the days of Halloween parties in place of trick or treating. New Year’s Eve sleepovers with friends in place of sipping sparkling cider in your footie pajamas. Birthday shopping sprees in place of themed parties with treat bags.

I miss you already.

Climbing on your dad’s back for a transport to your bed will get awkward. You’ll paint your own fingernails and will have your own lip gloss to wear—no need to swipe any from me. And before I know it, when I am the least ready as I’ll ever be, your bright blue and pink roller skates will no longer be your favorite set of wheels.

Instead of a First Communion dress—it will be a prom dress.

And then maybe a wedding dress.

How I miss you already.

I knew from the beginning that you were going to grow. I wanted you to grow. But I had no idea how it would simultaneously thrill me and rip me to pieces watching you do it. Parenting is full of these paradoxes. A day can feel as long as a year, and year can pass in the blink of an eye. Everyone you meet will tell you this… from the little old ladies you stand with in line at the grocery store to the women who greet you at church to the mom shopping for jeans with her teenager.

“It just goes by so fast.”

I heard this phrase so often, and I smiled through gritted teeth as I watched you lick the handle of the shopping cart. I smiled when I wanted to cry as you broke something while we were browsing at the store. I smiled when I was counting down the minutes to nap time and the hours to bedtime. I smiled and nodded, but I didn’t really get it then. Until one day when it all clicked.

I miss you already.

So tonight, while you were sleeping, I went to your room and counted your freckles. I gently tangled my fingers in your curls. I listened to you breathe. I sat beside your bed and tried to meet you in your dreams. We laughed and sang in silly voices and ate lots of ice cream and went to Disney World until it was time for me to go to my own room.

I whispered, “I love you,” in your ear, “I miss you already, my baby.”

This story was originally published on May 30, 2018.

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