Motherly https://www.mother.ly A wellbeing brand empowering mothers to thrive. Fri, 27 Jan 2023 22:07:21 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.1.1 Motherly A wellbeing brand empowering mothers to thrive. clean Why kids delay bedtime with “One more thing…” and what you can do https://www.mother.ly/child/child-sleep/toddler-bedtime-struggles/ Fri, 21 Oct 2022 23:33:44 +0000 https://www.mother.ly/?p=138675 Bedtime struggles plagued our home night after night to the point that I began to dread the sun going down. That seems a little dramatic, I know, but hand to the sky, I did. 

I couldn’t understand how my child was able to turn the bedtime process into an hour or two, and on really exasperating nights, three hours of crying, melting, and doing everything but going to sleep. 

One more book, mama. 

One more sip of water, mama. 

One more snuggle, mama. 

Related: Sleep like a baby: Your expert guide to 12 months of rest

Meeting all needs and fulfilling all requests still wasn’t enough to get my child to close his eyes. I started to wonder: Am I being too permissive? Do I need to do some reward charts? Would it help to give a consequence? Maybe if I give a lecture my son will drown me out and fall asleep from boredom. I felt nearly desperate to try anything that would give us more peace and better sleep.

But I felt stuck. None of those solutions seemed like true solutions. Were my only choices to battle my child or force him to surrender by way of tricks and gimmicks? 

Bedtime goals

I decided to head back to the drawing board. Parenting is a relationship, so I took time to evaluate not only my goals but my child’s.  

What is my goal? 

Well, I wanted my son to get to sleep so that I could have a few moments of the day to myself. Maybe that 30 minutes would allow me to get some much-needed house chores done. There is no better feeling than knocking something off the ol’ incessant “to-do” list. Or maybe I could do something small for myself like catching up on “This Is Us” (I’m only three seasons behind) or taking a shower (I haven’t washed my hair in four days) before collapsing in bed. Was that too much to ask? Just 30 minutes to myself in a 24-hour day? 

I found myself totally dug in, entirely focused on his bedroom door, knowing that on the other side was my freedom. And every time my son opened his eyes to ask for something or wanted to get up or fussed when I left, I felt my freedom slipping away. 

What is my son’s goal? 

My son’s goal was for me to stay, and developmentally, it makes sense. Children are wired to be in close proximity to their caregivers. This is how they’re designed to ensure survival. While I view bedtime as an opportunity to have some alone time, my son’s system associates bedtime with his primary attachment leaving him to do something else. He doesn’t care if it’s to do laundry or veg out. His nervous system just registers my intent to leave as a threat and so he will pull out all of the tricks to get me to stay. One more book. One more sip of water. One more snuggle. He will cry, power struggle and mimic my shadow as I leave. 

Now, I know what you may be thinking, because I have thought it too. My child is manipulating me. They are being defiant. I must get this behavior to stop. The truth is, in order for your child to manipulate you, they must have executive functioning, which is an advanced function of the prefrontal cortex, a brain region highly immature at the ages of two, three, four, five…up to the age of around 25. 

The bedtime frustration cycle

I have realized that when I am more invested in the outcome of something than my son, I become frustrated. The more frustrated I become, the more my son clings to me. The more he clings to me, the more focused I become on my goal. And the more he senses my desire to leave, the more he bids for me to stay. Round and round we go. 

To break the cycle, I knew I had to reclaim my power, not take his. 

This required me to understand my circle of control. 

I was completely invested in commanding my son which, of course, led to my frustration because I was attempting to control that which was not mine to control. His thoughts, feelings, words, and actions are his. I can influence them, not control them. 

Related: I don’t have the ‘perfect’ bedtime for my kid

Any time we attempt to take on someone else’s experiences as our own, we generally will find ourselves in a state of frustration and resentment. Control moves you away from connection, and based on my son’s bedtime goal, it was the one thing he actually wanted. 

I realized that my son wasn’t making me upset. That wasn’t in his circle of control. How I felt and responded was my responsibility. So, I focused on the power of my words, thoughts, feelings, and actions. I found myself shifting from, “How can I get my son to __” to “What action can I take here?” 

This allowed me to: 

  1. Reframe my perception of my child’s willful defiance as his need for close proximity
  2. Readjust my expectations for my child
  3. Release goals I have set for my son like falling asleep by a certain time
  4. Set goals for myself about how I will respond when the bedtime blues begin

There is much peace that comes from accepting what is happening. We can’t control it, but we can reflect and adjust our reactions to it.

6 ways to ease bedtime struggles

With both of our goals in mind, and focusing on those things within my circle of control, I was able to implement some tools for our bedtime experience. My new goal became us winning, not just me. 

1. Set boundaries

Our boundaries are not about what our kids can’t do but what we will do. This moves us from control to connection. Ask yourself: What are you willing to do? 

  • Are you willing to lay with your child until they fall asleep
  • Are you willing to lay with your child for five minutes?
  • Are you willing to sit outside the door? 
  • Are you willing to postpone the “to-do” list in the name of this parenting season?
  • Are you willing to alternate bedtime routines with your partner to give yourself some freedom? 
  • Are you willing to hire a babysitter one night a week so you can have some “you” time?

I often find myself telling my child, “I am willing to lay here while you close your eyes” instead of “Close your eyes or I am leaving.” See the difference there? One is an effective boundary, and one is focused on control. 

Regardless, find what you are willing to do—instead of telling your child what you are not willing to do— communicate it, and then hold yourself accountable for following through with those boundaries. 

2. Consistent routines

Consistent routines help children feel safe and connected because their brain knows what to expect, and can better process the sequence of events from a less primitive place. Involve your child in deciding what your bedtime ritual may look like. For example, perhaps every night at seven, you get into jammies, brush teeth, share about your day, read a book and then hop into bed. 

To make this ritual more concrete for your young learner, use something like a visual aid or encourage them to set a timer to move from one activity to the next. Announcing transitions is also useful in helping your child shift. Something like, “Do your one last thing, and then we are going to put on our jammies.” Or “When we put on our jammies, we will read a book.” Or “It is time for a book. Which will you choose?” 

3. Make bedtime interesting

My son loves when I get creative for bedtime. Sometimes it is something as simple as doing a few yoga moves as we wind down or sitting in bed for a round of finger breathing. 

I like to up the connection with something silly, too. For example, if your child likes lots of snuggles, snuggle her with the deepest, most loving snuggles, pretending that you can’t get enough of them. Or switch up the roles, asking your kiddo for some. “Oh, please give me one more hug. I love them so much!” Cling to your child as they have often done to you!

Additionally, focus on activities with desired results. Invite your child to close their eyes while you rub their back, do a body scan or another easy meditation strategy, or tell them a story. These connection-based activities help your child relax and it primes their brain for bed. They become intrinsically motivated to close their eyes and still their bodies because they want what comes next. I find this is much more effective than power struggles and it helps my child fall asleep much more timely. 

4. Focus on the return

If you find that you are unwilling to lay with your child until they fall asleep, focus on the next connection moment. This is an attachment-based strategy developed by Dr. Gordon Neufeld, which reduces a child’s anxiety and resistance and respects their developmental and emotional ability to separate.

The premise is that by focusing on reconnecting, rather than your leaving, you help your child relax and fall asleep on their own as they begin to trust that you will return before they need you again. As a result, they feel less of a need to chase your attachment.

Tell your child you are going to step out of the room and describe to your child what you will say when you come back. 

  • “I am going to come back, and when I do, I will tuck you in again.”
  • “I am going to come back in two minutes. I will give you another hug when I return.”

Leave for as short of an interval as needed (like 30 seconds), then a whole minute. The goal is to return before your child worries and build from there. You may find that in time you are able to say something like, “I will see you in the morning. I am so excited for our morning snuggles.”

5. Give a token

Another simple tool is to give a token of yourself to your child that they can sleep with. This may include a picture of the two of you, one of your t-shirts, or something else that you and your child decide on together. This helps your child feel closer to you even when you are not in the room. 

6. Practice the meltdown

This is a preventative tool to be done outside of the moment of dysregulation, outside of bedtime. Role play: You be your child. Encourage your child to be you. Then switch where you play yourselves. 

Role play how it has been going. Bring in the silly and play and even practice the meltdown. Then, role play again with what you want the bedtime ritual to look like moving forward. 

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Does screen time before bed affect your child’s sleep? Here’s what the research shows https://www.mother.ly/child/child-sleep/screen-time-before-bed-guidelines/ Thu, 25 Aug 2022 19:36:10 +0000 https://www.mother.ly/?p=124857 We can all agree that sleep is a precious commodity when you have young children. So anything that interrupts it should be approached with caution. But how many of us use screen time before bed? Whether it’s watching TV, playing on our phones or laptops, or even reading a book on our e-readers.

The truth is that screens and sleep don’t mix well, especially for children who need a good night’s sleep to grow and develop properly. A recent study suggested that while some screen time may not be as bad as we thought for mental health, disrupted sleep remained a problem. And the reality is that kids spend far more time on screens than recommended.

Mama, you aren’t alone if you’ve used screen time before bed as part of your child’s evening routine. But here’s what you need to know about screens and sleep to make the best decision for your family.

Experts agree it’s best to limit screens before bed

Studies tell us that screen time before bed (watching TV, video games, phones or computers) can lead to fewer hours of sleep and more middle-of-the-night wake-ups.

Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed clinical psychologist, best-selling children’s author, and mother to three children, understands the challenges parents face when it comes to screen time and sleep. “Screens may be necessary to keep one child safe and occupied while they put another child to  bed,” she shares with Motherly. “Older children may need to use computers and mobile devices in the evening to complete homework.”

But she also believes all parents should understand the impact screens have on sleep. “Studies consistently tell us that screen time can lead to sleep problems for children of all ages,” she says, citing a 2021 systematic review on electronics and sleep. “Screen time in the evening is associated with children having trouble falling asleep, less overall sleep, and daytime drowsiness [which is a sign of poor sleep quality].”

How does screen time affect sleep?

There are a few ways screens could be negatively impacting our kids’ sleep, according to the experts.

One is that screens can emit blue light. Blue light could suppress the production of melatonin, the hormone our bodies produce to make us feel sleepy. “Blue light helps us to stay alert which is great during the day but causes problems when computers, televisions, and other devices are used at night,” Dr. Cara explains. And it turns out that blue light is particularly disruptive to younger children’s sleep patterns.

Related: How to balance screen time: Finding what’s right for your family

And how does screen time affect toddlers’ sleep specifically? Dr. Cara points out that what your child watches may be exciting or scary, depending on their personality. They may be thinking about it long after the screen is off, keeping them awake or causing nightmares that wake them up in the middle of the night.

Finally, screens may inadvertently lead to less physical activity or cut into time otherwise spent on other healthy sleep habits. “Screens may replace activities that we know improve sleep, such as a consistent bedtime routine, exercise or time spent outdoors,” Dr. Cara says.

Try these wind-down alternatives to screens

Number one: it’s your choice whether or not you want to use screen time before bed. But it may be worth taking a closer look at how screens impact your child’s sleep, especially if your kiddos seem exhausted during the day or wake up often during the night.

If you’re looking for alternatives to screens, Dr. Cara recommends experimenting with other activities that can help your child wind down, like reading, taking a bath, or creative play.  “All kids wind down in different ways, so I would really recommend finding what works best for your child,” she suggests.

Here are some of Dr. Cara’s tips for cutting back and finding alternatives to screens before bed (and these suggestions can help the entire family):

  • Consider making it a family rule to turn off everything an hour before bed. But if that’s not possible, work on reducing total time in the evening. “Research finds that the amount of time matters, with children who use screens for the longest amount of time having the most trouble falling asleep, the most frequent nightmares, and the most daytime sleepiness,” Dr. Cara explains.
  • Try podcasts, audiobooks, or meditation apps. Dr. Cara suggests using these options instead of a screen to occupy your child while you’re busy putting another child to bed or finishing up a task.
  • Check the content. “Be really careful about the content of the screen time,” says Dr. Cara. She explains that research shows that kids who watch educational shows designed for children are less likely to have sleep problems (versus violent or less age-appropriate content).

For teens, she suggests monitoring social media as this appears to have the most impact on older children’s sleep.

  • Keep screens out of the bedroom. “Research finds that children who sleep near televisions or devices sleep significantly less,” she shares. “Children with both a device and a television in their bedroom sleep even less.”

Screens are a big part of life, but we can choose when, how, and where we use them

A consistent bedtime routine that doesn’t include screens may be just what your family needs for better sleep. “Regardless of evening screen use, make sure your child is engaging in a consistent bedtime routine that doesn’t involve screens.” Dr. Cara says. A bedtime routine is essential for winding down at any age.

Plus, reading a book with your little one before bed may mean you get a few extra snuggles—which is always a bonus.

Featured expert

Dr. Cara Goodwin, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist, bestselling author of the children’s book, What To Do When You Feel Like Hitting, and a mother to three children. Dr. Goodwin specializes in translating research into accurate, useful, and relevant information for parents through her non-profit organization,Parenting Translator. (Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/?hl=en)

Sources

Gabel V, Reichert CF, Maire M, et al. Differential impact in young and older individuals of blue-enriched white light on circadian physiology and alertness during sustained wakefulness. Sci Rep. 2017;7(1):7620. Published 2017 Aug 8. doi:10.1038/s41598-017-07060-8

Garrison MM, Liekweg K, Christakis DA. Media use and child sleep: the impact of content, timing, and environment. Pediatrics. 2011;128(1):29-35. doi:10.1542/peds.2010-3304

Garrison MM, Christakis DA. The impact of a healthy media use intervention on sleep in preschool children. Pediatrics. 2012;130(3):492-499. doi:10.1542/peds.2011-3153

Lund L, Sølvhøj IN, Danielsen D, Andersen S. Electronic media use and sleep in children and adolescents in western countries: a systematic review. BMC Public Health. 2021;21(1):1598. Published 2021 Sep 30. doi:10.1186/s12889-021-11640-9

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The one thing your child needs to get ready for kindergarten? More sleep, says AAP https://www.mother.ly/health-wellness/childrens-health/kindergarten-success-sleep-study/ Tue, 19 Jul 2022 16:41:13 +0000 https://www.mother.ly/?p=115574 Summer brings inevitable inconsistency in bedtime routines, but new research shows that once school starts, maximizing your preschooler’s sleep can make a big difference in how well they transition to kindergarten—and their subsequent school performance. 

In a study published in The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP)’s journal “Pediatrics,” researchers tracked the sleep patterns of 221 soon-to-be kindergartners with an eye toward how much sleep they got in a 24-hour period, and whether that sleep was consolidated overnight or combined from naps and nighttime sleep. 

They found that the kids who consistently slept for at least 10 hours at night—not including naps—were better able to adjust to kindergarten, and their teachers reported they had better socio-emotional, learning engagement and academic outcomes than those kids who had more irregular sleep patterns.

Related: Our son thanked us for ‘redshirting’ him in kindergarten

In the study, the teachers were blind to how much sleep each child was getting, and the researchers controlled for income-to-poverty threshold ratios, child health status and number of missed school days. 

“The transition to kindergarten requires new social, emotional, and cognitive competencies, significant expansion of children’s social networks, and formal instruction and evaluation never experienced before,” write the study authors. They noticed that while factors like children’s health and their socioeconomic status have been examined in terms of kindergarten transition success, sleep duration has not. 

Why sleep is so important

As a society, we tend to overlook the value of sleep—but according to sleep expert and neuroscientist Dr. Matthew Walker, it’s incredibly important for brain health. “Sleep is the single most effective thing we can do to reset our brain and body health each day,” he writes in his book Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams. “When sleep is abundant, minds flourish. When it is deficient, they don’t.”

In kids, sleep can improve focus and concentration, as well as memory, mood, immune function, school performance and behavior, notes AAP

Related: California becomes first state to delay school start times—here’s why that matters

The American Academy of Sleep Medicine and National Sleep Foundation recommend 5-year-olds get 10 to 13 hours of sleep in a 24-hour period, but the Pediatrics study shows that at least 10 hours of consolidated nighttime sleep seems to be the magic number in terms of kindergarten success. 

Focus on bedtime consistency

The more regularly a child slept for at least 10 hours at night, the better the child was able to adjust to kindergarten, note the authors. Their kindergarten success was even more pronounced if the 10 hours of nightly sleep was established before kindergarten began, when the child was still in preschool. 

“The more consistently children got 10+ hours of sleep during the night, the better the children’s peer relationships, relationships with their teachers, overall academic performance, and sight recognition of words and letters,” says lead study author Douglas Teti, distinguished professor and head of the department of human development and family studies at The Pennsylvania State University, to CNN.

Related: Why I got strict about a 7 p.m. bedtime for my kids

Start now for long-term sleep success

You may want to start sooner than later if your little one is starting kindergarten in the fall, given that it was long-term sleep habits that seemed to make the most impact.

“The intervention should begin before kindergarten begins in September,” Teti says. “Parents should do what they can to help their children get most if not all of their sleep on a regular basis during the children’s nighttime sleep period.” 

That may mean cutting back on naps to help consolidate your child’s sleep at night. Naps may still be developmentally appropriate for your kiddo, but if it means their bedtime is pushed back till later, it could be worth omitting the nap. If you have questions or concerns, your child’s pediatrician is a good resource.

Healthy sleep habits for young kids:

  • For early school-age kids, the authors recommend bedtime before 9 p.m., which would make wake-up time around 7 a.m., for a full 10 hours of nighttime sleep. Naps should count as extra, not toward that 10-hour goal.
  • Kids should avoid all screens like TVs, tablets and phones at least 30 minutes before bedtime.
  • Parents and caregivers should be involved in their child’s bedtime routines, keeping them as consistent as possible night after night. That may look like a bath after dinner, followed by books before tucking in. 
  • Because parents’ and kids’ sleep schedules tend to be closely aligned, parental sleep habits are also important to monitor, note the authors. That may mean starting a more consistent bedtime routine for yourself, too. 

“Good sleep hygiene [e.g., organized bedtime routines, limited screen access, and bedtimes before 9 p.m.] may be as critical for the well-being of children as it is for adults,” note the authors. 

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A sleep scientist shares her best sleep tips for traveling with babies and kids https://www.mother.ly/child/child-sleep/travel-sleep-tips-for-babies-kids/ Tue, 21 Jun 2022 19:16:18 +0000 https://www.mother.ly/?p=108230 The word “vacation” conjures up white sandy beaches, palm trees, and drinks next to lounge chairs. 

Or at least, it did until you had kids.

Now, vacations tend to be called “trips”—and some parents find they’re more trouble than they’re worth. Mainly because of the havoc they can wreak on your children’s schedules, and in particular, their sleep.

That is, if you don’t take the proper steps to prepare. 

There is a way to travel successfully with young children to keep their sleep schedule on track and their dispositions on the sunnier side—even across time zones.

I’m Dr. Sofia Axelrod, chronobiologist and mother of two. The science-based sleep solutions found in my book How Babies Sleep and in my company Kulala have helped countless parents and children get the sleep they need to be happier and healthier. 

Here are all my tips on how to successfully travel with children.

Stick to your schedule (as much as possible)

Some disruptions to your schedule can’t be helped. You need to take a 5 a.m. flight, or you’re arriving at your hotel after your child’s bedtime. But my number one tip for traveling is to stick to a regular schedule as much as possible in terms of feeding, naptimes and bedtimes.

But what if you’re changing time zones? There are two ways to deal with this.

Solution 1: Stay on your own time zone

For shorter trips, consider not switching at all. For example, if you’re traveling from Los Angeles to New York, and your child normally goes to bed at 7 PM, put them down at 10 PM. Wakeup time at 7 AM? Make it 10 AM. 

This way, your child’s circadian rhythm isn’t interrupted at all—as long as you keep the light and noise situation the same (more on that below).

This will be the least disruptive to your child’s routine in the long run. And then when you return home—there’s nothing to do but continue to follow your routine.

If you’re traveling a longer distance, or simply can’t stay on your former time zone for practical reasons, there is another solution: the gradual shift.

This story is a part of The Motherly Collective contributor network where we showcase the stories, experiences and advice from brands, writers and experts who want to share their perspective with our community. We believe that there is no single story of motherhood, and that every mother’s journey is unique. By amplifying each mother’s experience and offering expert-driven content, we can support, inform and inspire each other on this incredible journey. If you’re interested in contributing to The Motherly Collective please email Collective@mother.ly.

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Solution 2: Gradually shift to your new time zone

The least disruptive way to adjust your child to a new time zone is to do it gradually.

To do this, move your child’s routine by 30 minutes each day before you arrive at your destination (if you’re traveling east—more on that below.)

This strategy hits a wall once it collides with logistics—there’s only so much wiggle room in most families’ schedules. Still, typically you’ll be able to shift everybody’s schedules somewhat before you travel, which will significantly reduce jetlag.

For example, if you’re flying to London from New York, you’re dealing with a 5-hour time difference. So 7 days before your flight, shift your schedule by 30 minutes per day, starting with wake-up time, naps, bedtime, meals, and any other activities if possible. Then shift it 30 minutes more each day.

This may make for some strange days, but that’s okay. The magic is that you’ll already be partway to your new schedule when you arrive. You can use the Kulala app for this process: simply change your desired wake time every day by 30 minutes to get your family on the right schedule. 

Once you’re at your destination, honor your body’s clock by continuing to shift slowly. Or if you’re staying for less than a week, consider staying on that middle-of-the-Atlantic time zone the whole time.

Related: It’s science: Vacations make your kids happy long after they’re over

To prepare for the trip back home, do the same, but in the opposite direction. 

This shift likely won’t occur without some fussiness. A disruption in schedule is just that: a disruption. But shifting sleep by 30 minutes to an hour at a time is far less disruptive than trying to do a 3-hour or 5-hour shift all at once.

Another tip: Flying west is easier on the body, because our circadian clocks adjust more easily. So for shifting west, you can do it in 1 hour daily increments, before, during, and after travel.

How do you successfully shift your child’s sleep schedule? By using light. 

Use the right sleep tools

To get your child to sleep as well on the go as they do at home, replicate your child’s sleep environment as best you can.

Here are the things you’ll need

Blackout curtains (editor’s note: find our faves here) and a red light lamp

Light is a huge factor when it comes to sleep. Blue light, or the kind that comes in sunlight and most artificial lamps, signals to our bodies that it’s time to wake up. Absence of that blue light signals that it’s time to go to sleep. 

Children are even more sensitive to light than adults. So make sure to make it dark when it’s time for your child to go to sleep, and keep it dark or use only red light, like the Kulala Baby Sleep Lamp, during the time to stay asleep. Let blue light in only at your desired wake times.

In addition to having a red light on hand when you travel, we recommend bringing along your own black-out shades or pods, like these basic, affordable, portable shades from Amazon, or these products from Snoozeshade and Slumberpod, to keep blue light out of your child’s sleep environment until the appropriate time.

Related: 7 blackout curtains that create the perfect cozy sleep cave 

White noise

You can’t always control noise when you’re traveling, so having a white noise machine is helpful. Bring a portable one, or try an app, like Guva

The right sleep space

I always recommend babies sleep in their own space. If possible, have a crib or bassinet at the destination you’re going, either rented or borrowed.

If that’s not possible, there are some great travel crib options, like this one from Baby Bjorn. If you have an older child, you may be able to get away with a regular bed at your destination. 

Your child’s comfort objects

Use other tools to replicate the sleeping space your child is used to as much as possible. That means bringing along your child’s sleep sack, a pacifier, their lovey—anything they normally sleep with should come on the go with you, too.

Get back on track when you get home

When you get back home, make sure to get back to your routine right away, using the gradual shift described earlier, and with support of your red light lamp. That way, you won’t need a vacation to recover from your vacation.

For more tips on traveling with babies and kids, my book How Babies Sleep has everything you need! I highly suggest picking up a copy before your next trip.

Sofia Axelrod, PhD, is a neuroscientist, sleep consultant, author of “How Babies Sleep” and founder of Kulala. Dr. Axelrod is a sleep researcher in the laboratory of Michael W. Young, the winner of the 2017 Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine. When she became pregnant with her first child, Dr. Axelrod, a lifelong insomniac, feared she would never sleep again. After the birth of her first baby, she naturally applied her expert knowledge to baby’s sleep. It worked so well that she started working with other families, hosting baby sleep workshops, and developing science-based baby sleep products through her company, Kulala™

Through her work, Dr. Axelrod is providing new parents with the thing they needed the most: a good night’s sleep. By helping the public using sleep secrets plucked from the frontlines of scientific research, Dr. Axelrod’s ultimate goal is to fundamentally improve sleep in our notoriously sleep-deprived society, in particular for parents of young children. 

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My motherhood boundary: I don’t share my bed with my kids https://www.mother.ly/life/motherly-stories/kids-sleep-own-bed/ Fri, 27 May 2022 17:29:12 +0000 https://www.mother.ly/?p=102609 I didn’t realize how strange this was until I was recently talking with some friends. Most mothers I know, at some point, have slept with their children. I seem to be in the minority of moms because I never had my kids sleep in my bed

When my oldest son was born, he slept in a crib or pack-n-play from day one. Same with my youngest son. When they were toddlers and awoke in the middle of the night (which, admittedly, was rare), I hugged them and tucked them back into their own beds. 

Related: We need to stop shaming moms for co-sleeping—and research shows why 

For some families, co-sleeping is the only way for anyone to get any sleep. And for many parents, co-sleeping is an enjoyable bonding experience. Not for me. And part of my motherhood journey has meant honoring my own boundaries—one of which is nighttime is for me. 

Not everyone shares this disdain for co-sleeping—my husband included. In fact, when our kids were younger, anytime I went out of town, he and our kids would have a slumber party in our bedroom. They’d sleep cuddled up in our queen bed, arms intertwined and snoring away. When my husband went out of town, however, I fiercely protected my bed. 

Some might call this selfish; I call it setting healthy boundaries for myself. I knew that I needed sleep to be an engaged mother the next day. I knew that I needed those precious few hours of “alone time” to recharge. And in those early days of motherhood when I was constantly touched out, I needed the physical space. 

Just because we are mothers doesn’t mean we can’t have boundaries, especially when those boundaries help us be the good moms that we want to be, the good moms that we know we are. 

Quite simply, setting this motherhood boundary made me a better mom.

I didn’t really think much of it, but over time, I’ve realized just how strange it is that I have never co-slept with my kids. When I heard about moms who loved snuggling up with their toddlers, I wondered if something was wrong with me. When I read about the benefits of laying down with our kids until they fall asleep, I worried that I wasn’t being a “good mom” because I set this limit.

Whatever your boundary is, accept it. Acknowledge it. Stop apologizing for it. 

Over time, I’ve realized that this was just that pesky mom guilt sneaking in again. Oh, how mom guilt loves to make us fret, doesn’t it? With time and age—not to mention the fact that my kids are incredible sleepers—I stopped fretting and worrying. Just because we are mothers doesn’t mean we can’t have boundaries, especially when those boundaries help us be the good moms that we want to be, the good moms that we know we are. 

It was never really about sleeping with my kids; it was about boundaries and telling that pesky mom guilt to take a hike. Because it will always be something, right? 

Whatever your boundary is, accept it. Acknowledge it. Stop apologizing for it. 

Maybe you love snuggling up with your child at night. If so, go for it. Maybe you have an early bedtime or you have a playdate limit or you say “no” to weekend activities so you can decompress with your family. Whatever your boundaries are, respect them. Own them. Be empowered by them, not ashamed of them. Because you are doing what it takes to be the best mom you can be.

Related: Why I Share a Bed With My Baby 

So whatever your mom boundary is, shed the mom guilt about it. We are mothers, not martyrs. And we should feel empowered by, not guilty about, setting boundaries that help us be the best mothers we can be. When we set these boundaries, we aren’t just taking care of ourselves, we are teaching our children valuable lessons about boundaries, body autonomy and healthy relationships. 

We are showing them that their wants don’t take precedence over others’ needs. And we are showing them that it is possible to love them with all of our hearts while also respecting ourselves. And in doing so, we are showing them how to love and respect themselves too.

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It’s OK to prioritize your baby’s nap schedule https://www.mother.ly/child/child-sleep/prioritize-baby-sleep-schedule/ Thu, 14 Apr 2022 13:49:42 +0000 https://www.mother.ly/?p=92974 When I was a new mom, my life revolved around sleep. Sure, feeding and changing my new baby were also the top priorities, but it felt like sleep was the priority. My newborn didn’t seem to prioritize sleep in the same way I did, and it took several months to get into some kind of sleep schedule. Even then, it was tenuous at best. A two-minute car nap would prevent an afternoon nap all together. A later nap due to a family gathering and he might be awake hours past his bedtime. And every few weeks, his sleep routine seemed to change. So when he was on a regular sleep schedule, I clung to it for dear life.

And it was hard. I rearranged my own schedule to make sure weren’t in the car before nap time. I awkwardly told family members that we’d be late to an event—or worse, miss it all together—because it would throw off my baby’s sleep routine. 

That might sound harsh, but believe me when I say that it was absolutely essential. After dealing with a bout of postpartum depression that was exacerbated by a lack of sleep, maintaining my son’s nap and bedtime routines was critical to my mental health and the wellbeing of our entire family.

Related: Spotting postpartum depression can be difficult. Here’s why you should enlist your partner’s help

Not everyone can understand this, however. Parents of “easy sleepers”, older parents who’ve forgotten about the terror that baby (or toddler) can unleash, well-intentioned grandparents who understandably want more time with their sweet lil nugget, and folks who don’t have children might not understand. They might give you a hard time for being late to a family gathering. You might catch flack for leaving a get-together early. You might get passive-aggressive comments that make you feel guilty for inconveniencing others. But your baby’s needs don’t change just because it’s a holiday or special occasion.

You won’t always be in this season of life and motherhood.

Do not feel guilty. Your baby won’t always require rigid sleep routines. Your family won’t always be so dependent on ensuring that your little one gets their sleep. As they say, this too shall pass.

Some newborns won’t sleep anywhere. Some babies can’t “just nap” wherever. Some toddlers can’t sleep in a pack-n-play while there’s a party going on in the next room. Some children—and as a result, some families—need their sleep more than others. This isn’t something to be embarrassed about, to be ashamed of, or to apologize for. It just is.

And it won’t last forever. That challenging sleeper of mine grew into a toddler who learned how to sleep independently, then a little kid who could skip naps and stay up later without many issues and is now a 15-year-old who, like most teens, sleeps until noon when given the chance.

To those mamas feeling guilty about sticking to your baby’s sleep schedule: please try to let that guilt go.

You should never feel guilty for prioritizing your child’s or your family’s health and wellbeing. And let’s be honest, sleep (our own and our kids’) is pretty critical to our health and wellbeing. You don’t need to feel embarrassed for holding on to the routine because you know what your baby needs. You don’t need to apologize for your child’s needs, including their sleep needs, just because they might inconvenience someone else. After all, respecting our child’s needs is how we love them.

And to the family and friends of parents who prioritize their baby’s sleep schedule: please try to understand.

Please be patient with us. Please trust that we know what is best for our baby and our family. Please know that we aren’t trying to inconvenience you by doing what we know is best for our child’s and our own wellbeing. We don’t want to hurt or annoy you. We love that you want us to spend time with us, and we want to be spending time with you too. 

We’ll be at the holiday gathering or special occasion as soon as we can—well-rested and ready to groove.

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Dad’s viral TikTok hilariously nails every parent’s anxiety when little kids sleep in https://www.mother.ly/news/viral-trending/dad-viral-tiktok-kids-sleep-in/ Wed, 02 Mar 2022 20:04:41 +0000 https://www.mother.ly/?p=81336 One of the best parts of watching a viral TikTok is that moment when the video immediately reels you in and leaves you feeling 100% seen and understood. Well, that moment is about to happen to every parent who has ever had one of their tiny children sleep in a tad later than usual.

Because every single one of us has the exact same thought process, and this dad totally nails it in this recent viral TikTok. On one hand, you’re soaking up every second of enjoying your coffee in silence and calm. It’s heavenly. But on the other hand…ARE THEY OKAY? ARE THEY ALIVE? WHY ARE THEY SLEEPING IN LIKE THIS?!

In case you were ever wondering if that kind of anxiety spiral only happened to you, the answer is no. You are not alone. We’re all in this illogical place of panic together!

“Do y’all ever wake up and your kids aren’t awake, and it’s the normal time they’d be awake, and you’re like ‘Oh my gosh, how are they still asleep?'” he asks. “And you’re kind of enjoying the peace and quiet, and then you’re like ‘Oh, are they alive?’ But you’re like, ‘Oh this is so nice, I do want them to be alive but I’m really enjoying them not being awake right now.”

And really, that feeling of duality goes beyond your kids sleeping in. It happens when they’re with the sitter, or at Grandma’s house, or anywhere except right in front of you demanding every last ounce of your patience and energy.

It’s also not unlike that feeling you get during nap time when you want to enjoy the peace and quiet for a couple of hours, but also feel like you should be doing All The Things. Because when you become a parent, you never know how to truly, fully, and deeply relax again. You also never regain 100% of your own agency again, because that belongs to the tiny humans we’re responsible for keeping alive and safe.

“So you have this mixed feeling of, like, ‘I’m kinda okay with this right now and I hope they’re okay, but I’m not going to check on this and see if they’re alive because I don’t want to mess up this silence,” dad Justin concludes in his viral TikTok.

This happens to me more often than not, because I’m awake before my children 90% of the time. If they sleep in suspiciously longer than usual, I will either tiptoe as quietly as I can to go check on them (and ruin everything) or I’ll fish out the half-dead baby monitor from the junk drawer and quickly peek in on my toddler to make sure she’s breathing.

If all of the above sounds like you, mama, congratulaitons—you’ve found your people.

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This is the biggest indicator of a kid’s happiness, according to survey https://www.mother.ly/parenting/baby-sleep-tips/sleep-and-childrens-happiness-linked/ Sun, 17 Oct 2021 21:52:28 +0000 https://www.mother.ly/?p=44436 Most parents know that sleep is important for children’s wellbeing. Adults, and parents in particular, generally value sleep and know too well the way it affects our own emotional wellbeing when we don’t get enough sleep. But how important is sleep to your child’s happiness?

The 2017 BTN Happiness Survey conducted by the University of Melbourne and Behind the News TV program involved 47,000 Australian children. It found that sleep was the biggest indicator of happiness—getting enough sleep made children twice as likely to report feeling happy lots of the time.

“These results provide compelling evidence that sleep is a key indicator of child wellbeing,” said Associate Professor Lisa Gibbs, the Chair of The University of Melbourne Children’s Lives Initiative, in an interview with ABC News.

Before you start getting anxious about whether your child gets the prescribed amount of sleep for their age, it’s important to remember that children who sleep well tend to feel safe and secure. In the survey results, children who did not feel safe were four times more likely to have atypical sleep patterns, meaning they slept too much or too little for their age group.

Related: A month-by-month guide to baby sleep

While the survey shows the importance of improving your child’s sleep habits for their emotional wellbeing, it also continues to highlight the role of feeling safe and secure on general wellbeing. Helping children with anxiety, stress and trauma is important.

The survey also found a range of things help children feel happy including family, friends, music and sports. Younger children were significantly more likely to report that family, reading and artwork were sources of happiness. Cooking and being in nature were also linked to feeling happy for girls. Boys were significantly more likely to report sports and computer games helped them feel happy. Pets were also identified by many children in all age groups and gender as a source of happiness.

So, what can you do to improve your child’s sleep?

These are the tips I recommend in my clinical psychology practice that are based on the psychology of sleep and children’s developmental needs:

1. Provide a safe and secure relationship with your child

Children who feel safe and secure generally have a good emotional bond with their parents. Find ways in each day to connect with your child. Spend time doing things with them and really noticing them. Repair ruptures that happen between you and your child as quickly as possible. Many a child has worried at night that their parent blames them for everything or doesn’t like them anymore.

2. Have a regular bedtime routine that supports good sleep habits

Set bedtimes that are consistent with the amount of sleep your child needs help. Developing routines that prime children for bedtime helps too.

For example children might know that every night after dinner they brush their teeth, play a game, and then have a story read with their parent prior to being tucked in to bed. These routines provide a sense of predictability which encourages a sense of safety and reduces children’s anxiety about bedtime.

Related: True life: Our bedtime routine is the same every. single. night

3. Ensure your child gets enough physical activity 

Moving your body is a helpful tool in encouraging sleep. It helps use up physical energy, but is also positively associated with the brain chemistry people need to manage stress and anxiety and sleep well. Most schools have some daily exercise program but children may need more than what is provided.

4. Reduce exposure to technology two hours before bed

In this every increasing technological world it is not uncommon that children spend significant amounts of time looking at screens. The portability of these devices means they often find their way into bedrooms. Screens emit blue light which can prevent production of melatonin. Melatonin production is necessary for falling asleep at the right time. By preventing access in the two hours before bed your child is more likely to go to sleep at the right time.

5. Remove electronic devices, such as iPads, from your child’s room at night

Many electronic devices emit noises and have notifications that can occur at all times through the night and can wake your child up. Electronic devices are very tempting for children and many a sleepless child has been found on a device at night. When your child is exposed to blue light from these devices, it signals its daytime to your child’s brain and is not conducive with going back to sleep.

Related: Screen time before bed means less sleep and higher BMIs for kids, says study

6. Ensure anxiety and past trauma are treated

If your child is not sleeping due to anxiety or past trauma, seek treatment. Make contact with your doctor or community agency to work out what your child needs. Professional and specialized mental health help is best.

Raising a happy child comes down to a combination of factors. Good sleep is just one of them.

Looking for a little extra help promoting good sleep habits? These mom-approved favorites can help.

Shoppable

Hatch Rest 04

Hatch

$69.99

1. Rest

The Hatch Rest is an all-in-one nightlight and sound machine, but it’s also a tiny little miracle that you plug in and can control from your phone anytime.

Does your baby need soft white noise in the background to sleep soundly? Does your toddler have issues getting up way too early? Is your big kid scared of the dark? Well, the Hatch Baby Rest light is here to save the day (or night). Create your own custom programs so that it automatically turns on and off along with your baby’s sleep schedule and enjoy those extra moments of slumber.

Read more about why we love it here!

Blackout curtains
$24.99

2. Blackout Curtains

If your kiddo needs total darkness, a set of blackout curtains come in clutch. These have the added bonus of sound dampening!

Dreamland Baby Dream Weighted Sleep Blanket

Dreamland Baby

$99.99

3. Kids' Weighted Blanket

Make snuggling feel like a cozy hug with a kid-friendly weighted blanket. The gentle pressure can not only help them fall asleep faster, but stay asleep longer. At just four pounds, the satin-edged weighted blanket from Dreamland Baby is ideal for children ages 3 to 8 and over 30 pounds. And with cooling minky fabric on one side and super soft micro-fleece on the other, it’s perfect for petting to sleep.😴

A version of this story was published October 17, 2021. It has been updated.

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How to ‘fall back’ with kids and not lose (too much) sleep https://www.mother.ly/child/child-sleep/how-to-prepare-kids-for-daylight-saving-time/ Fri, 24 Sep 2021 00:00:00 +0000 https://www.mother.ly/uncategorized/how-to-prepare-kids-for-daylight-saving-time/ With the end of daylight saving time coming up on November 6, many of us will have an extra hour of sleep to look forward to. And while I don’t think anyone is complaining about getting more sleep, mamas may often start to worry about how the ‘fall back’ time change will affect their child’s already tenuous sleep schedule.

Unfortunately, our children’s biological clocks don’t automatically change with our household clocks, leaving it up to us to help them adjust. But have no fear: There are several ways to help them make the transition without too much disruption to their current sleep schedule.

Navigating toddler sleep class

Here are 5 ways to prepare kids for daylight saving time:

1. Start shifting your child’s entire sleep schedule later by 15 minutes

I don’t want to overcomplicate this, so to keep it simple I’m proposing two different approaches.

Option 1

To prepare for the extra hour, move your child’s sleep schedule later (about 10 or 15 minutes each day/night) for four days prior so that they feel ready for sleep once we change the clocks. This includes awake time, naps and bedtime. This will also help to prevent your child from becoming over-tired, which can affect both the daytime and nighttime sleep cycles.

To give you an example, if your child is currently going to sleep at 7 p.m., you can move bedtime 15 minutes later each night to shift their internal clock so that 7 p.m. doesn’t suddenly feel like 6 p.m. once the change hits. So, the week before, you’ll adjust bedtime, but then once we fall back, you still want to end up at their original bedtime (7 p.m., in this case).

Option 2

If preparing an entire week in advance doesn’t seem feasible, you can plan on adjusting your child’s schedule the weekend prior in bigger chunks of time.

You would still follow the formula above, but instead of shifting 10 to 15 minutes, you would adjust sleep later by 20 to 25 minutes over the weekend.

With either of these options, you might find that it’s hard to keep your baby up later, so do your best by exposing them to plenty of light during the day, and trying to keep them stimulated and active (just not with bright light) in the early evening.

Related: Why I got strict about a 7 p.m. bedtime for my kids

2. Anticipate early rising—and be prepared

If you’re moving bedtime later, hopefully your child isn’t still waking early, but it is possible this can happen anytime there is a shift in sleeping patterns, which can make cycles feel a bit off. If your child wakes early, try allowing them time in their crib/room to hang out (assuming they don’t become upset) and encourage that independent time before getting them up. You also want to make sure their room is completely dark in the morning and that sunlight isn’t causing early morning risings.

If your child is a bit older, you may want to communicate the change and invest in an okay-to-wake clock which gives the green light once it’s time to get up for the day.

Related: The 5 best OK to wake clocks that’ll keep your toddler from waking you with the birds

3. Be mindful of exposure to sunlight and darkness through the day and evening

Our body’s internal sleep cycles (circadian rhythm) are regulated by light and darkness and heavily influenced by our environment. This is why we often become sleepy once it starts to get dark and many of us wake up with the sun.

You can help your child’s 24-hour sleep cycle by exposing them to light once you get them up in the morning and throughout the day, with their last sun exposure around 4 pm. If your child’s bedtime is typically later (as in past 8 p.m.), you may want to consider moving it up slightly since their body will likely become tired earlier as a natural result of having darkness earlier.

4. Get enough sleep before the time change

I would recommend holding off on sleepovers or any major travel if you can help it before we “fall back.” While you can’t necessarily deposit sleep into a bank to accrue, lack of sleep can result in chronic over-tiredness which will further the challenge in adjusting to a new sleep schedule.

The more rested your child is leading up to this transition, the better!

5. Be patient and try not to worry

As we all know, the effects of sleep deprivation impact the entire family. Children are just as confused about the time change as we are, and although our bodies will adjust naturally (eventually), some have a harder time than others.

If you notice meltdowns become a bit more frequent after the time change, try and remember that lack of sleep could be the culprit. I encourage you to set aside more quiet time and maybe even an extra nap while you all try to adjust to this new season.

Just remember, you’ll get through this time and try not to worry or change anything drastically in order to over-correct sleep. Each year we go through this shift and each year we adjust, so remind yourself that it is just another season.

A version of this story was originally published on July 15, 2018. It has been updated.

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Mindfulness training helps kids sleep longer, study reveals https://www.mother.ly/child/child-sleep/mindfulness-helps-kids-sleep/ Tue, 17 Aug 2021 00:00:00 +0000 https://www.mother.ly/uncategorized/mindfulness-helps-kids-sleep/ Back-to-school season is upon us, and for many parents, that can mean dreaded repercussions on school-aged kids’ sleep. Any big change in routine can have ripple effects on bedtime—but starting back at school is especially fraught, as the onset of homework and after-school activities can push bedtime later, while school start times require an early wakeup—meaning less zzz’s all around.

But the back-to-school period is also a good time to implement new tools and routines, like mindfulness and deep breathing, that can help kids process significant schedule changes and potential stressors and hopefully minimize the impending negative effects on their sleep.

In fact, a new study from the Stanford University School of Medicine found that elementary school-aged kids who practiced mindfulness training slept an average of 74 extra minutes a night.

What the study shows

The research, recently published in the Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, was focused on 115 kids in third grade and fifth grade, ages 8 to 11, with 58 children participating in a mindfulness curriculum twice a week that focused on yoga and breathwork, and 57 children participating in a standard physical education program.

Over the two-year study period, researchers used brain scans and measured the kids’ perceived social stress to get a baseline of their sleep and stress levels before, during and after the study.

What they found was impressive: Children who received the mindfulness training gained an average of 74 minutes of total sleep and 24 minutes of rapid eye movement (REM) sleep per night during the two years analyzed. Sleep duration improved within the first three months of starting the program.

In contrast, kids who participated in the physical education program experienced a decrease of 64 minutes per night of total sleep, and saw no changes in REM sleep.

“[Children who received the mindfulness curriculum] gained almost half an hour of REM sleep,” said Ruth O’Hara, PhD, a sleep expert and professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford and the study’s senior author in a press release. “That’s really quite striking. There is theoretical, animal and human evidence to suggest it’s a very important phase of sleep for neuronal development and for the development of cognitive and emotional function.”

Support for at-risk kids

Sleep issues can plague kids from all backgrounds, but the kids who participated in the study lived in low-income communities with high rates of social stressors such as crime, violence, food insecurity and unstable housing—all significant contributing factors to poor sleep.

“To fall asleep you have to relax, but [the kids we studied] have a hard time letting their experiences go,” the study’s principal investigator, Victor Carrion, MD, the John A. Turner, MD, Endowed Professor for Child and Adolescent Psychiatry told Stanford Medicine. “They don’t feel safe and may have nightmares and fears at night.”

But twice a week for two years, yoga instructors and the kids’ school teachers taught the students what stress is, how to bring their attention to the present, deep breathing exercises and yoga-based movement.

“Children who reported higher curriculum engagement [e.g., using the breathing exercises at home] experienced larger changes in sleep architecture and perceived social stress,” reported the study authors. Thanks to having tools to employ to help them relax, the kids were able to fall asleep faster and sleep for longer.

Stress and sleep

One of the unexpected results from the study was an increase in reported perceived stress—meaning that mindfulness training increased the students’ awareness of their own stress, even though it also gave them ways to reduce their vulnerability to that stress, the researchers noted.

Being more aware of their stress also helped kids better manage that stress—and they still slept better.

While plenty of studies have shown the benefits of mindfulness on stress reduction in both kids and adults, this research is unique in that it shows how stress-reduction benefits carry over to bedtime and sleep quality.

And while the study purposefully didn’t focus on sleep hygiene or bedtime routines, the mindfulness instruction empowered kids to recognize their own stress and gave them the necessary tools to manage it, with trickle-down effects on their sleeping habits.

How to help kids manage stress

Here’s how to help your kiddos learn to recognize their stress and get more sleep—just in time for back-to-school:

  • Talk about what stress is with your kids and how they can recognize signs of stress.
  • Utilize the back-to-school period to implement new bedtime routines and set firm schedules to ensure consistency.
  • Help kids put a name to their feelings to better understand their emotions.
  • Embrace mindfulness tools like breathing exercises, yoga poses, progressive relaxation and guided meditations, especially as part of bedtime routines and during times of increased stress.

Sources:

Chick CF, Singh A, Anker LA, Buck C, Kawai M, Gould C, Cotto I, Schneider L, Linkovski O, Karna R, Pirog S. A school-based health and mindfulness curriculum improves children’s objectively measured sleep: a prospective observational cohort study. Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine. 2021 Jul 6:jcsm-9508. doi:10.5664/jcsm.9508

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